Grief is a messy thing, and those who know me know that I
don’t do messes. People used to laugh that Jennifer and I had a model dorm room
because we were both extremely clean and didn’t do messes. Yet, it seems that
this messy grief always seems to find me when I least expect it and want to
deal with it the least. But much like the screaming babies I deal with on a
daily basis, grief cannot be hushed and certainly cannot be ignored.
I have
always saw myself as mature, but when you died I suddenly had to grow up in a
matter of minutes. Before, everybody that I had known that had passed was well
into their lives and had lived their life. You were the picture of health and
had just celebrated your 21st birthday, so when you passed it was
jarring to say the least. Through this whole experience I have seen a side of
myself, our friends, and the people supporting me that showed me a new side of
life.
I never wish this experience on
anybody but much like everything in life, there is much to be learned. I
learned that you can experience the full range of human emotions in a matter of
hours when grief is involved. I have also started to have a greater
appreciation of the time spent with people, because as cliché as it is to say,
you never really know how much it matters until you don’t have that chance
again. I have also learned that friends are truly invaluable, whether you speak
every day or whether you talk every once in a great while. One of my biggest
concerns this year was making friends at UC, and I made a few good friends.
There was one friend that I made and quickly found a kindred spirit with, and
for that I am so forever grateful. She may never read this, but getting to see
her those two days a week in class and talk about life may have been what
helped me keep my head up during those dark days, and for that I am so
thankful. To my old friends who listened to me make morbid jokes and deal with
death in my own Lauren style, I am so grateful that you didn’t head for the
hills when I made a quip that was most likely too macabre for normal
conversation.
To my Hanover friends: I could not have survived this year
without you. You da best. I couldn’t have survived it all without you and
knowing that there was somebody two hours away that knew exactly what I was
feeling. I know that Jennifer loved you guys more than she ever said, and more
than I ever can express.
Finally, to Tyler: You are my other half and helped me piece
myself back together after losing Jennifer. Thank you for putting up with my
random anger and emotional states after seeing movies with death involved.
Thank you for letting me grow and handle grief in my own way, and just rolling
with it. You mean more to me than you know.
Here I am a year later, and I’m in a much better emotional
state than I ever thought possible on this day. It’s still a hard day, but I
faced it today without falling apart. I know that Jennifer lives on in our
hearts and in our memories, and I feel a little joy every time I see a little plastic
dinosaur or a succulent plant. I wish she could be here with us today and could
have experienced the Jurassic World movie, but that just wasn’t in the cards
for her. Her pure soul had a short lived stay on this Earth and I can’t help
but feel fortunate that I knew her that well during it. Losing her was
incredibly hard, but through her death she is teaching me things about life and
myself, much like she did in her life.
So thank you to anyone in my life who encountered me this
year and didn’t write me off. Hold your loved ones a little closer today and
take those moments to enjoy how incredibly blessed you are despite everything. I love you all.
