Fat like a Sumo Wrestler

As a little girl, weight was never something that really crossed my mind. I was too busy worrying about where my sister had put my crayons or whether I should put on my Dorothy or princess dress after school. I was never a tiny girl, but I was normal height and weight for my age. I remember the first time that somebody told me that I was fat. We were sitting in the lunch room in second grade and this little boy across the table looked up at me and told me that "...if I kept eating all of my food, I was going to be fat like a sumo wrestler". Now in hindsight, this comment really wasn't all that hurtful to begin with, but this marked the first time that I was conscious of how I really looked, or so I thought. Soon after that, a very thin girl and I wore the same shirt and I couldn't help but compare how we looked. She was a good 4 inches taller than me, and a few pounds lighter, so the shirts obviously looked very different on both of us. After that, I never wore that shirt again.
Soon after that, I started becoming more conscious of my weight and how I looked and what I ate. At first it started to be just curiosity, but then I started to notice smaller details about how I looked different from all of the other girls, like how I had glasses and how I had a small gap in my front teeth, and the list goes on. I started to really analyze how I looked, and by third grade I was absolutely convinced that I was hideous. I started to become more reserved and say less because if I drew attention to myself then they would notice how I looked. Except for when I was on stage. I loved singing and acting and just being creative onstage because that was my place that I was invincible. I think my piano teacher saw this and encouraged me in this direction, always pushing me to explore my natural musical talent. During this time, I was also heavily involved in Girl Scouts which is just a terrific organization. I had a particularly motivated troop leader and we did everything under the sun, including things that supported positive body images for girls. I think that without music, my parents, and Girl Scouts, I would be a much different person, and probably even more insecure.
Fast forward to high school now. I was still just as insecure about my looks and body image, but since I saw my physical body as something to be ashamed of, I worked extra hard to be amazing musically and academically. I excelled in those areas, but I always thought that people were judging how I looked and how fat I was. I had had one boyfriend in middle school, but the boys were never flocking to be with me. High school was much of the same thing, a few platonic relationships that could have evolved into something more but I thought that I wasn't good enough for them. The first serious boyfriend I had called me beautiful once and I laughed. I thought that his compliment was one of those empty compliments that people say because it was expected of them. Hindsight, he didn't call me beautiful after that because I had embarrassed him when I laughed. But to me, the lack of compliments was validation that I was too fat to be beautiful. Sophomore and Junior year, I threw myself into academics and planning out my future for college and grad school. I seldom had time to sit and dwell on my body image because I was so busy with band, marching band, choir, musical, a part time job, academic quiz team, and babysitting. By the beginning of senior year, I started to be a little more confident in my body because the way I saw it was that I was stuck with it and might as well get used to it. At that point in my life, I had just accepted that I was never going to be 'beautiful', but I started to work out and try and at least make myself look good. My best friend at the time had started working out and he had lost a lot of weight and seemed much happier, so I decided to give it a shot.
Working out helped because I started to recognize that I can change how I look if I want to, and that I'm not 'stuck' with this body. Though I didn't drop a significant amount of weight, I started to realize some of the other issues with body image that I had. Going into college, I started to have a lot more confidence, but still had some problems. I would meet people at college that I would be bashful around because I thought they were too pretty to talk to me. In fact, my first thought about my roommate was that she was way too pretty to room with me.
As far as relationships, the very end of senior year I started dating that same best friend who motivated me to try working out so I could become more confident and secure. When he started calling me beautiful, I would always dissect the compliments like a mad scientist. If he said I looked beautiful, I would always blame it on new clothing, a good hair day, makeup, or when all else failed, that he was just saying that because he felt that he had to. It took a soul bearing session from him to convince me to at least accept the compliment because he said it because he meant it. Now, I'm not saying that dating fixes the situation, in fact, it sheds more light on some of the other personal issues that we all have. But, dating the right person and having them fight to tell you that you're beautiful definitely helps. However, you probably aren't reading this to hear about how happy I am in my relationship (for the record, I'm deliriously happy). What I'm saying is that a support system is absolutely key to coming to terms of what is a healthy body image.
I realized that I had always been holding on to that comment that the little boy made about me becoming fat, and taking that to heart, thinking that if he thought I was fat, everyone else did. I don't know why this comment affected me so much, but it did and I can't change the past. However, I started to realize that I was giving him the power of the situation when in fact, he probably doesn't even remember making that comment. Years of insecurity over one comment over 10 years ago.
SERIOUSLY?!
So at that point, I decided to change it. I started to stop comparing myself to others and my friends, because we all have issues. We all wish we could be a few pounds lighter, more toned, have nicer hair, whatever your thing is. My point is, don't give society the power of deciding what beautiful is.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.
It's time for you to believe it.