The Most Difficult Thing.

It has been 25 days.
25 days since you left us. And these have been the longest 25 days of my life.
This is the most difficult thing I have ever faced.
I finished my first week of school at UC today and I wanted to call you up and tell you about it. You were the one that helped me make the final decision for my future, you know. I remember vividly you and I were sitting at our desks and I was of course talking about considering transferring. You just looked at me and said that it was the right thing to do because if I was going to make money, I should at least do it in a career that I would love. So I did. I made the decision to shake up my life and try something new because you said it in terms that I understood.
So I started this school year with your words in mind. It's been great so far, but there feels to be a hole in my heart. You see, I was supposed to be the one leaving, not you. I was supposed to leave the safety of Hanover and be the one who left.
Instead, you left.
I have a fantastic support system of friends and family, but that only puts a band-aid on what I'm feeling. I'm angry, sad, frustrated, grateful, confused, nostalgic, and solemn all at once. You were 21 and vivacious. You loved nature and your friends and had a knack for saying exactly what I needed to hear.
I remember the time we stayed up all night cramming for our spanish verbal exams because I couldn't seem to get the tenses right. At some point the actual studying ceased and like those kinds of talks do, turned into real life issues and then at some point it became a contest to see if you could make ramen without getting out of your bed (I know, college.).
             -Btw she was able to make ramen without getting out of bed. Then she made me some as well, just                because she could.
I also remember the time that we were rearranging our room (I'm pretty sure that we broke the record for the number of different room arrangements in a single year). We were trying to de-loft our beds and somehow you got stuck under yours and I'm not quite sure how we got you out from under it but we were laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe.
 Just like the time I had to be the man and kill the GIANT centipede that had crawled in your bed. Then you slept in the floor because you were scared that there were more bugs in your bed.
Or like the time when the sassy black woman broke into our room and you didn't even wake up.
Then, I remember when we said goodbye.
You were standing in the doorway at the end of the year and I was about to cry because I knew that because I was transferring our lives were about to change. I was a mess and you just hugged me and told me you loved me and to stop crying because we were going to see each other again.
I keep replaying that last look over and over in my head, hoping it will give me some peace.
Until then, I will keep praying for some peace and understanding.
I love you.

Here you are, stuck by the bed frame once again